The Quicksand Guide To Professional Help

In a jungle clearing, a person is struggling, up to their waist in quicksand.

They cry out for help, but unfortunately only professional help is available…

Psychiatrist – “What you are in is called quicksand.”

Medical Practitioner – “Quicksand is a physical condition.”

The Freudian – “How old were you when you first played in a sand pit?”

Psychologist – “Let’s find the moment when your foot first touched the quicksand.”

Counselor – “You need to get out of the quicksand.”

Cognitive Behavioral Therapist – “What evidence do you have that you will die?”

Self Help Groups – “Look around, you’re not the only one. We’re under here too.”

Former Sufferer/Victim – “I found when I struggled I sank quicker.”

Hypnotist – “Use the Force, Luke”

Post-modern therapist – “You must realize this is a jungle.”

Rebirthing – “Want a different life?”

Chiropractor – “You would be further out of the sand if you stood up straighter.”

Existentialist/Logotherapist – “Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.”

Creative Visualization – “See a house brick transforming into a helium balloon.”

Iridologist – “I can help you as long as you keep your eyes out of the sand.”

Reflexologist – “Please invert yourself so I can get to your feet.”

Tarot Reader – “Hmm. Goddess of Sand – never seen that one before.”

Astrologer – “Keep your head up today. Don’t let things get on top of you.”

Social Worker – “How are your kids and your finances?”

Evangelist – “What do you mean my laying on of hands pushed you down?”

Past-Life Regressionist – “Many of your friends preserved in the tar-pit with you are now in museums.”

Allopathic Practitioner – “Take 2 anti-sand tablets and see me tomorrow.”

Homeopath – “Here is some watered down glue.”


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Got your own suggestions for helpful professions?

Great! You can add them by commenting below.

-Dr Martin W. Russell

15 thoughts on “The Quicksand Guide To Professional Help”

  1. Clearly you have too much time on your hands Martin.

    Travel Medicine Specialist: quicksand is like sex on holidays….you can look, but don’t get involved!

  2. I love it. It is very original. I will keep checking your blog for updates, so you better have some more coming 🙂

  3. Charles Vollum says:

    I love it!

    You might add

    Dianeticist – “Is there an earlier similar time you were sinking in quicksand?”

    Scientologist – “Remember, you are an Operating Thetan – a being who is at cause knowingly and at will over matter, energy, space and time. Now what were you saying about quicksand?”

  4. Makes me think what an engineer would say…..I’ll get back to you.

  5. Great suggestions so far.

    And Lincoln, the challenge is on. Any reply on your own Engineer version?

  6. new age practitioner: at some level, you must have WANTED to be here. now what can you learn from this?

    psychoanalyst: so what does this make you think of?

    dentist: i’ll pull you out by your teeth. and you’ll obviously need a bridge on this cuspid. that’ll be $10,000.

    mother (the supreme expert of all): ok, enough of this. now come on out, it’s dinner time and aunt bertha is waiting.

  7. These are good Martin. It is a bit too late for my brain to think of any… I’ll give it a think though and see if anything pops into my head. I have given the article a stumble for good measure 🙂

  8. Pingback: Fiction Scribe » Blog Archive » Soup to Nuts Blog Carnival - Dessert
  9. I’ve been looking for this kind of info, thanks!

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